I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
