I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
