Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
