My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
