i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
