i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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