I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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