I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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