This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
