You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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