My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I could make wine with my vomit
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
