I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
