hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
