I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
