I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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