I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
