Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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