I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
