Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
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It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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