My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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