God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
