we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
