we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
