im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
