Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
