Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
