So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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