aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
