I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
