I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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