i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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