nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
