I hate all girls vehemently.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Someone shattered a urinal.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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