Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
