the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
