Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
