I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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