So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
