Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
