So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
