I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
