I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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