he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
