Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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