Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
