I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
