U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
