i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
