Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
