I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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