my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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