32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
