Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
