Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
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