Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
