Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
