I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
