no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
