i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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