i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
In other news, I just burned my penis
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
