I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
